Saturday, 22 May 2010

Stock markets plunge as Tories take control

Stock markets around the world plummeted overnight as people realized that David Cameron was prime minister (1).

Stockbrokers were seen hysterically writhing on the floor of exchanges around the globe, gnawing at their limbs and smearing themselves in their own excrement, as the full scale of the disaster became clear.

One senior analyst described the formation of a conservative dominated government in Britain as "The worst thing that could possibly happen to Britain, even worse than everyone in the country being beating to death with rotting fruit and their corpses desecrated with cheese. By Hitler."

The FTSE 100 actually went fully negative - a stage below zero never reached by any stock and previously thought to be impossible. Complete catastrophe was only avoided what George Osborne cunningly removed the '-' sign from in front of the number, creating the illusion that the market still actually existed in a meaningful way.

"We would have closed down the exchange," explained one broker, who had been trading during the Great Crash of 1927. "But we couldn't, because under the Tories it is impossible to do anything useful. Everyone just ran about screaming. I wet myself, far more thoroughly than I did in '27, and I had to gouge my own eyes out because I couldn't bear to see what was happening. things were so good, only a few days ago. Then they put Cameron in charge.'

The Dow Jones coped with the disaster by eliminating all references to Britain from the American language. It is now punishable by summary execution to make any reference, however indirect, to the existence of England, Britain, the FTSE or David Cameron.

"It is a real chance for us to start over," said Bradley T. Shotgun, an American policy adviser to President Obama. "Up until now, our language has been colonise, but this has given us a chance to wage a new war of independence and drive out all traces of colonial heritage from our language. We've even renamed the language itself. Instead of the English language, we call it the Amerish language. Oh, fuck, I said 'English,' shoot me now."

European leaders have shown a range of responses to the global crisis triggered by Mr Cameron's election. The president of France, Nicholas Sarkozy immediately resigned and were last seen trying to board planes to South America, in a variety of unconvincing disguises. The president of Greece immediately offered to extend financial aid to the stricken country, allegedly muttering, "The but for the grace of God go I ..."

The British Government in Exile, based in New Zealand, issued a press release calling for the people of Britain to rise up against the appalling mismanagement of the economy, before the country runs out of zeros to put on its discredited bank notes.
1 - "FTSE 100 hits seven-month low on European debt fears," by Julie Kollewe. Published in The Guardian, 21st of May, 2010. ( Do I really need to point out that everything other than the first seven words is complete fantasy, the product of my somewhat childish and sleep-deprived imagination? Probably, I do ...

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