The UK's chancellor, George Osborne, was forced to deny he had resorted to cheating, threats and violence to bring about the surprise recovery in the country's sales and borrowing figures.Are there no depths to which these evil, evil people will not stoop?
Excluding the impact of bank bailouts, the government borrowed £18.6bn in March, bringing the total for the financial year to £141.1bn, according to figures from the Office for National Statistics. This was less than the £145.9bn forecast by the Office for Budget Responsibility, the tax and spending watchdog.
Britain's shoppers staged a surprise revival in March, with retail sales increasing by 0.2%, after dropping by 0.9% in February.
Ed Balls, the shadow Chancellor, immediately accused the chancellor and the Office of Budget Responsibility (OBR) of, "Basically cheating, threatening and bullying people into doing what he wants them to do, because the economy won't."
'I've seen it myself," said Mr Balls. "Down the shopping mall the other day, dlack clad, baton weilding 'specials' were driving people into shops, and forcing them to buy stuff. Pensioners and beneficiries were being herded into high class jewellers and forced to buy tiaras on credit. One woman in my constituency was forced to buy 500 tonnes of dog food. She's only got one cat.
"I was wrong about George Osborne," said Mr Balls. "I said he didn't have a 'Plan B' for when his economic strategy failed to work. Turns out he did."
Mr Osborne remarked this was not the only thing Ed Balls has been wrong about. (1)
1 - Obviously, this is a piss take. It saddens me that I have to say that, but after someone said Boris Johnson should sue me for 'Liable' following one of my pieces on his antics, you never can be too careful. Some bits are borrowed from the actual Guardian article linked, "Government borrowing falls and retail sales rise to boost George Osborne," by Julia Kollewe and Heather Stewart, published on the 21st of April, 2011. (http://www.guardian.co.uk/business/2011/apr/21/government-borrowing-fall-retail-sales-rise)