Wednesday, 31 March 2010

Bo Jo's reign of terror continues

Boris Johnson has once again demonstrated a positively feudal attitude towards the people of London. Lefthandpalm has fearlessly reported his depredations against the people of London (here and here (1)) but it seems this is not enough to satisfy Johnson's overweening vanity.

Not content in causing more havoc in the metropolis than Boudicca in her heyday, Johnson has now taken to describing his latest villainies in print, under his own reprehensible name (2).

In the columns of the Telegraph - I knew it had sunk low, but had not realised it had fallen to such utter depths of craven power worship - the berserk baron gloatingly describes a favoured hobby of his - pursuing and terrorising the people of London as they go about their daily business (3):
As anyone would in my position, I saw red. I put my foot down, and pedalled so hard that I was able to keep the weaving rump of the car in my sights, and I noted that it was some kind of souped-up Astra, licence plate M*58 H*3.

Soon the bike had beaten the car, as it always does. As they waited at the next set of lights, I pounded on the window. "Open up!" I cried. There were three kids inside, and I could see the culprit goggling up at me with appalled recognition. They lurched off again in the hope of escape, but of course I had them at the next lights.

I am sure we would all have done the same as Boris, in his "position" of feudal lord, having spotted some serfs in need of brutalising!

Doubtless, had they been handy, the Demented Duke would have set a pack of blood hounds on the trail of the lads he so cruelly pursued. While that might have breached the ban on hunting with hounds - introduced by the wise and humane Labour Government (FIVE MORE YEARS! FIVE MORE YEARS!) it should not be imagined that the this would have deterred the Vicious Viscount - laws, after all, only apply to the commoners, such as those he so remorselessly set out to terrorise.

And terrorised they were. Johnson gleefully describes the reaction of the hapless burgesses to his savage abuse of power:

"Open up now," I yelled, "because you aren't going to get away with it, M*58 H*3! I am the mayor!"

By this time they were starting to look a bit unnerved, and the window came down.

"I know you is the mayor," said the driver, "and it was a accident."

"Pull over!" I commanded. Eventually they pulled over in a street running up towards the British Museum.

Doubtless, Johnson mentioned the museum as he discerned a historical - perhaps even Alexandrian quality in his actionsd. Certainly, there is a historical element, Boris, but not in the way you think. They are an anachronism, a throwback to the tsardom of Peter the Great.

Let us consider some of the details of the story. Johnson claims that he managed to overtake a motor vehicle on his bicycle. Truly, if this is so, it is fortunate that he is in charge of the London Olympics. It is to be hoped he will be recruit for the Great Britain cycle team!

The truth - for clearly the 'Bo Jo as Olympian cyclist' claim is a monstrous lie - is straight forward. Just as decadent aristocrats employ beaters to roust out the game from cover, and fox hunters form packs and use dogs, or matadors will employ lowly picadors to weaken the bull before they deliver to fatal thrusts, Johnson must have deployed a squadron of his minions - possibly at the tax payers expense - to harry and harass the young men he had selected for his quarry.

The Godzilla sized arrogance of the mayor - though Godzilla never damaged Tokyo half as much as Johnson has wrecked London! - leads him to attempt to justify his bragging, by claiming that the youths had, in fact, provoked his wrath. As, indeed, the fox provokes the fox hunters, or the bull the matador! For what could be more natural, to any Londoner, on seeing the object of so much justified hatred, the source of the great river of despair that has sept away the dreams and hopes of ten million Londoners, than to lob some litter at him?

For shame, Boris! Though you undoubtedly imagine you are king, this latest exercise of bucolic sadism can not be construed as lese majeste. Politicians are there to have things thrown at them. If some young gent about his business mistook you for a rubbish bin, perhaps it is because you are full of garbage?

We are British. We've dealt with worse than you. Remember what we do to megalomaniac tyrants. By the time we've finished with you, and you languish in obscurity on St Helena, or some other miserable rock, you'll look back fondly on the days that anyone thought enough of you to chuck some rubbish your way!
1 - As described previously on lefthandpalm: and
2 - At this point, I feel I should point out that the purpose of this piece is entirely satirical, and is meant to draw attention to Mr Johnson's laudable exploits, as have been previous entries relating to him.
3 - "
I accosted the litter louts, and you should too," by Boris Johnson. Published in The Telegraph, 29th of March, 2010. (

1 comment:

Moz said...

Are you aware of just how slowly cars travel in heavy traffic, especially in London? Average speeds are under 20kph, which means about 200W on a confortably upright bicycle on flat ground. The average adult with no major disabilities can put out 200W for several hours without strain, so the idea that a regular cyclist would struggle to do that is just ignorance. Sure, on a motorway and 100kph would be impressive, but around town... laughable. There's a fair few references on the net to "commuter races" between different modes and the cyclist almost always wins (sometimes not, usually not if lawbreaking is allowed). That stupid UK car hoon show did one a while ago inb London and oops... bicycle for teh win.

IMO to cause offence he'd have to have actually taken his D lock to the car and done some damage. Although doing the wankeriffic "I'm the mayor, I'm important" thing is lame.

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