Death by a Thousand Metaphors

An occasional series in which I poke funny at people who are (unlike me) paid for their words and still manage to come out with the most remarkable drivel.

Here's Jane Clifton writing in The Listener:

[V]oters may now be viewing domestic political noise in the light of wider global realities, and this could be making them more sanguine about the brush fires.

Jane, can we really 'view' noise? Is it not an auditory experience? Can you hear colours? Is your super evolved tongue able to taste light?

And even if we allow that noise can be seen 'in the light of wider global realities' - perhaps global reality light is a bit like ultravoilet light that shows up dandruff and makes your teeth glow, only it somehow makes soundwaves visible - how does it follow that this will make voters 'more sanguine about the brush fires'? Does the ability to see sound also confer flame retardant qualities?

(Though I suspect Ms Clifton really means 'phlegmatic' - sanguine means cheerful, optimistic and confident. Phlegamatic (the two are commonly confused) means apathetic and uninterested; this seems closer to what she was probably trying to express.)

I'm not even going to go into the next paragraph, which features a tiger, an auction and disaster at sea, all at once.

Hat tip: Pompous Chris, who reproduced the offending passage and manfully resisted the urge to top it with a display of his own inimitable stylings. I can't afford to buy the Listener. Unlike some people, I don't get paid for writing tripe.