Wednesday, 24 February 2010

Brown denies control of Hellish forces

Gordon Brown tonight denied claims that he ever unleashed demonic forces on his Chancellor, Alastair Darling.

This follows a statement, by Mr Darling, that the "forces of hell were unleashed" at him after he stated the recession would be the most severe in sixty years (1).

In a surprise statement, Mr Brown announced that he did not, in fact have control over any Satanic or Hellish minions, not could he depend on a third party to unleash them.

"No-one in the prime minister's office, from myself up to the senile monkey I consult on key decisions, has any regular contact with the Legions of the Damned. I might, occasionally, talk to Silvio Berlusconi, but that is as close to hob-nobbing with the Lord of the Flies as i come, said Mr Brown.

The government's previous policy has been to refuse to confirm or deny whether the prime minister is a servant of Satan, has sold his soul to Satan, or is, in fact, Satan.

Insiders have speculated that mr Brown's unprecedented statement was the result of frequent billows of brimstone emerging from Number Ten, and the large flocks of bats seen flitting about the upper windows of the prime minister's residence.

It had also been alleged that the cabinet start each meeting by drinking warm blood and consuming human flesh in a perverted parody of the Christian mass. This has also been hotly denied.

"I don't need to be in bondage to the devil to be an appalling bastard," snarled Mr Brown, biting the head off a kitten. "I've had to fight for everything I've achieved. My inate Hellishness is entirely my own work. No-one ever helped me with it, I did it all myself.

"I was born in Glenrothes, that's as near to Hell as I have ever been."

David Cameron has so far refused to comment on the affair embroiling the Labour government. he has stated, categorically, that the state of a politician's soul is a private matter.
1 - "Darling 'faced forces of Hell' from No 10," by Michael Savage. Published in The Independent, 24th of February, 2010. ( I suppose I should point out that everything else in the above is untrue, made up, invented and intended only for amusement.

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